Royal bumps

So the wait is finally over…

Has a new IPad been released? No.
Has the X Factor winner been proclaimed? No.
Has the cure for cancer been found? No.

Kate is pregnant.
Cool. You mean my friend Kate in Kent?

Nope, Kate as in Katherine (ex Middleton) Windsor, Her Royal Dutchess of Cambridge, wife of Prince William, heir to the throne of England.

Oh. All right.

Well, it’s not SUCH a surprise, is it? Unfortunately when you choose a career as a prince’s wife, pregnancy tends to come with the job. In fact fertility is the only real skill required, as Henry the VIII clearly explained.

Now, I understand the news making the papers and being splashed across the Internet – the English Royals never failing to provide useful distraction from euro crisis, Palestine crisis, American crisis and possibly middle age crisis too.

BUT WHY, for goodness’ sake, is the forecourt of the hospital where Kate is being treated for morning sickness – not a potentially lethal condition – now crowded with hundreds of journalists from all over the world?

Yes, you, reporters and paparazzi who’ve been parked in the cold for three days… What do you expect to see???


Nothing is showing.
Nothing different can be spotted, snapped, discovered, reported.
God hasn’t left a divine mark on Kate’s forehead.
She’s not suffering from a rare condition and I’m pretty sure she didn’t conceive by secretly sleeping with the butler…
We don’t need to see Will’s face when entering and leaving the ward, as it’s not at all different from every other close up of the prince we’ve seen every single day in the past 10 years…

So why exactly are you there??

Of course I understand that women magazines (a very concept I detest) and tabloids can’t wait to start feeding us Kate’s pregnancy diet, Kate’s pre-natal Pilates, Kate’s vitamin supplement…

But are our lives so painstakingly boring that we need nine full months of that?

Or is the sad truth that nothing has actually changed since Henry VIII and the world is still obsessed with “reproduction”? Is pregnancy – at least in the higher ranks – still a totally public affair, because of its promise of lineage continuation?

Obviously yes. Single people can adopt, gay people, old people… But not royal folks…

Yes, like it or not, getting pregnant is the only really relevant thing this young woman is ever going to do in her life, the only thing expected from her, and the whole world should follow every single step of the process, making sure nothing goes wrong.
Well, at least we abolished beheading, that’s something…


Kate’s only just peed on a piece of plastic a couple of weeks ago…

Guys? Yes yes you, out there in the cold!
Please, leave the poor vomiting lady alone and come back in five months, when tv hosts can start measuring how many grams she’s put on, admiring her fantastic maternity wardrobe.

For now… Get some sleep. Warm up. And grant us some very un-royal, un-aristocratic… peace


2 thoughts on “Royal bumps

  1. Lara I find you interesting and admirable and then frustrating and overly judgemental or maybe overly opinionated. Let me start by telling you that I am English living in Italy for six years. I came across you whilst looking into websites for Italians in London for my beautiful friend who is looking to have an English experience for three months. She has really helped me and my progress in Italy and I would love to do the same for her visiting my country! So I started to read your blogs and writings and was immediately taken in, although we have a reverse experience, your writings for England and Italy Were interesting to me. However after reading more i found your opinions a little confused. I have many positive and negative experiences that I can speak of both in England and in Italy but cannot speak for a whole country and say the Italians or English are one way or another. Every country and city have different personalities and characters. Although you speak for many experiences that I understand I find your overall summaries far to generic. Especially for London when like every big city you find that people keep themselves to themselves but its not an English ‘trait’ but a big city thing. You speak for the English being very open with, for example , black/white couples and then very closed and unhelpful with foreigners. The English are however famously accommodating with foreigners. I really think we need to stay open minded and not judge especially when speaking to the public that may not know any different. The great thing about life is, however that the world is full of many different colours for the the people to see in many different shades and make of it as they will, but be careful to let people make there own observations!

    • Hey there Thanks for reading my blog. I appreciate your comments, however, you take the whole thing a bit too seriously….

      This is my personal blog, not an essay on British and Italian societies. I talk about odd things happening to me. Things I see around me. It’s my perception. My very tongue in cheek, entertaining journal. I laugh at Brits, I laugh at Italians, and I often laugh at myself. This isn’t a guide for Italians in London, just my own little collection of anecdotes.

      Do I contradict myself in my posts? Good. That’s what human beings do. I’m not here to prove a point. I’m not a politician or an academic. I’m here to share my very random thoughts – as the title of the blog says. One day I adore everything I see around me and the next I hate it. And when I feel like it, I write. That’s all. No scientific rigour goes into my ramblings.

      Also, lets not miss one crucial point: I love London and I love Italy. And I know them very very well. In fact I know them so well and I love them so much, I feel free to laugh at them, to tease them, to be sarcastic, to point out their oddities and their flaws. Like when we tease a dear old friend. I feel completely free to express my opinions, crudely sometimes, because I know they are deeply rooted in a profound affection, respect and knowledge of the places I talk about.

      So for instance, of course I know British culture is quite accomodating with foreigners, I’ve been living here for 16 years! It was a free choice, nobody forced me, I had a very lucrative job in Italy and didn’t know anyone in the UK. I decided to stay only because I liked it. But I’ve been encountering obstacles and prejudices. They are real and they are also often very funny. So I choose to write about them. Yes I could also write about all the fabulous Brits I’ve met but that’d be cheesy and sentimental, and not very entertaining. So I sacrify political correctness for comic effect. Comedy works on “types”. If every time we hear a joke we’d stop the comedian to point out that they’re generalising, the world would be an extremely politically correct but excruciatingly boring place.

      And finally remember: you don’t know me. You have no idea who I am, or what I’m like. So please don’t feel free to infer personal judgements.

      By all means any opinion is welcome. I’m extremely pleased and flattered that people read my blog. But I beg you, keep your sense of humour!

      Nothing is personal, it’s just banter.

      Thanks for reading.

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