5 minute guide to how not to be lynched by a mob on the London tube


Don’t stand on the left on the escalator. Always check which northern line branch you need. If you get lost in the crowd, wave. Yes, she is wearing sandals in January, now move on. Dont stare. Dont let your kids climb up the yellow poles, its not cute. Always walk fast, never walk slow. Dont upset Russian gangsters. Yes, its 40 degrees and she’s wearing a burqa, now move on. Don’t exit through the entrance, don’t enter through the exit. Move down inside the carriage dont obstruct the closing doors stand clear of said doors and of course, always, mind the gap. Prepare to jump if the gap is in fact a gorge. Dont fall in the gap, its annoying. Don’t speak your native language loud to slag off one of your fellow passengers chances are they’re from your same country. Dont run down the escalator. Umbrellas are for loosers. The people in puffy jackets are italian tourists, dont bother asking them for info. Smile, you’re on camera. Always carry a bottle of water (why? that’s what the posters say). Don’t sing along with the buskers. Never shout unless you spot an Al quaida terrorist. Don’t stand as a group at the entrance of a platform hopelessly studying the Tube map, MOVE OUT OF PEOPLE’s WAY! No, London Bridge isn’t on the Charing Cross branch. Never take the tube from Leicester square to Covent Garden, they are 1 minute walk from each other. Forget about finding a bin. Sneeze in a tissue. Dont read other people’s paper pretending you’re just stretching your neck. You’re going to Bank? Think again. Dont complain about body odours when pressed against an ex rugby player’s armpit. If after 45 minutes you’re still at Earls Court waiting for the right District line train, give up and take a cab, there are people who’ve been standing there hoping to get to Wimbledon since 1985. Don’t buy single tickets, they’ll cost you more than your Ryanair flight. If you think oysters are shellfish, you’re in the wrong place. If after all this you are still considering visiting London for the olympics, you have clear masochistic tendencies

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2 thoughts on “5 minute guide to how not to be lynched by a mob on the London tube

  1. ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhah!! Thank you for this…that’s why I am visiting London next year… :o)

  2. oh mamma, che inferno, sembra la metropolitana milanese! pero’ io non ho mai capito perchè non si possa legegre il giornale dl vicino, è cosi’ comodo, non devi nemmeno allargare le braccia per tenerlo, cosa peraltro impossibile nell’ora di punta

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