I cooked my computer.
No, not figuratively, literally.
I placed it in the oven at roasted it at 180c for half an hour.
No I wasn’t trying to copy a Heston Blumenthal’s recipe, even though I should probably suggest it for his next series.
I wasn’t even trying to destroy the device in a bout of rage – throwing it from the window would have been far more appropriate.
Truth is, I was trying to protect it.
This is the story: my friend Tommaso’s house, down the road, has been burgled three times. Every time the thieves just grab laptops and electronic equipment and leave.
I live on the second floor, we have several bolts on the front door and an alarm. Also, I have really nothing valuable in the flat, my computer is so old it switches off the moment you unplug it from the socket – which makes its job as a laptop useless – and I’ve never cared about jewellery, preferring vintage tat to the latest Tiffany bracelet.
However, since my parents’ flat in Milan has been broken into several times, despite having a reinforced door, an alarm and, more to the point, being on the seventh floor (yes, somebody did climb through a window at some point, Italian thieves must train in free climbing first) I tend to be slightly paranoid.
Everyone has their phobias: some people are scared of spiders, some of flying… I’m terrified I’m going to get burgled.
It’s true my laptop is old and undesirable. But for me it’s my first source of earning, since I use it to work. It has my life on it (ok ok, it’s also copied and saved “in the cloud” but have you ever trusted clouds? I belong to a generation that tends to equal “being in the clouds” with being fay and unreliable, call me old..)
So, I started to think: IF a thief breaks in, where is the place he would never think of looking for a laptop?
Idea! THE OVEN.
And so I did it. I left my flat for the weekend and before locking up I hid the laptop in the oven. But I didn’t place it on the middle tray, no, that might have been too visible. I placed it right at the top.
And feeling very proud of my cleverness, I left.
Fast forward to Monday evening. I haven’t had time to eat during the day so I get a pizza from the supermarket, rush home and stick it in the oven. Completely forgetting I had hid the laptop there!
I leave it there for HALF AN HOUR, gas mark 5. Then eat the pizza.
Only the following morning, when I need to start working, I remember about the laptop in the oven….
I open the oven’s door in pure dread: the laptop lid is all warped…
All it edges look like a Gaudi house…
I’m sure I’ve melted and killed my loyal computer like a witch on a stake…
I switch it on expecting it to explode like dynamite…
…it works perfectly well!
How is that for an advert, Acer?
Aspire: the indistructable.
In the next episode: let’s try spinning it in the washing machine!