ICONOCLASTS….??


British tv sometimes offers amazing pearls of absurdist entertainment. Usually it’s the BBC coming up with programs such as the English weather, or darts championships, but last week it was the supercommercial sky, the house of HBO, which, at 10pm broadcast this amazing piece of tv, called… ICONOCLASTS

You would imagine a documentary on a revolutionary politician, Banksy, Rap musicians, underground poets, nihilistic philosophers…

Instead it was…
….Isabella Rossellini meets Dean Kamen.

ICONOCLASTS?

All right now, let’s start with the supposedly “well known” member of this extraordinarily interesting pair of iconoclasts destined to make tv history:

Isabella Rossellini.

I’m sure most of you know who she is. However, who can name me within ten seconds a film in which she starred? 1…2…3…

Nothing? No worries! Neither can I!
For the daughter of one of the most iconic Hollywood actresses (do you know ANYOne who has not seen the final scene of Casablanca?) and one of the most intelligent, sensitive, great directors of all times, she’s managed to be so spectacularly uninteresting in her acting career it’s quite an achievement.

I understand that when you grow up surrounded paparazzi and showbiz people you might end up having no interest whatsoever towards that world. Why not becoming a vet then? A dentist? A nurse?

For a while she did modelling for big cosmetic companies, boasting her flowless skin…
Good for her!

But since when appearing in a commercial campaign for Lancome makes you a rebel???

MYSTERY….

So on one side we have Rossellini, boasting her soporific personality and her monk-like haircut, and on the other the great Dean Kemen!!!!!

No, he isn’t an actor from the 1960s.
No he isn’t Nick Kamen’s forgotten brother.
No, he isn’t an ex member of the Take That.
No, he didn’t run for mayor of London in the Green party.
No no no. Guys! Listen up: Dean Kamen is… The inventor of the Segway!!

 

The Segway! The most pointless invention in the world, an electric two wheel thing that allows overweight American policemen to cross malls without having to walk and equally fat tourists to visit attractions without shading any precious calorie.
The Segway! How can the world have survived without it?

Well, turns out Segway man is really involved in charity work, and, guess what? So it’s Isabella!

Isnt this an EXTRAORDINARY coincidence?

Well… Actually… find me a pseudo celebrity who isn’t trying to counter balance her inflated ego with some sort of fund raising for African children, tsunami orphans or disabled veterans… It’s part of their daily routine after bykhram yoga and White egg omelettes…

Kev goes on by showing Isa his latest invention: a kind of segway version of the wheelchair that allows users to raise their seat so that they are at the same height as a standing person.

Once I dubbed a character in Guiding Light who had a chair like that…

Of course in no time at all Rossellini jumps on said chair and tries it herself…
“Wow, this is great” she giggles in her weird accent that isn’t Italian, isn’t American, isn’t Swedish, just isn’t.
Great? You’re not trying out some roller blades. It’s a wheelchair!  It’s for people with no legs! Who had accidents, terrible injuries or multiple sclerosis. What are you so excited about?

 

Honestly, the show was so abysmally absurd, I wonder whether it had been written by Ionesco and Beckett together as a metaphor of the pointlessness of life.

So, what’s next in the ICONOCLASTS series?
Hand-held mini-fan inventor meets Sophie Marceau?
Vanessa Paradis meets Darren O’ Leary?
America’s next top model meets space hopper designer??

What broke my heart was the discovery that such a pearl was produced by the only man I’ve ever idolised in my life: Robert Redford…

Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(cry of pain)

BOB! Bob? Bob, Bob, Bob my darling, what have you been drinking? You cant have willingly come up with such nonsense, unless Isabella and Mr Segway are your intimate friends, and you happened to film them on a private occasion, having a random conversation at your place in Utah. Then your Mexican cleaner stole the tape, and, needing money, decided to sell it to sky1, passing it as Redford’s latest movie.

No?
Isn’t this what happened?
Okay, okay in that case I will have to give up on my desperate defence of Redford and admit his fallacy.

Hey wait, how about Hannah Montana meets Gabriella Carlucci?
What?
You don’t know who she is?

Good for you guys, good for you…

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