I-Phone or I (am a)phoney?

I hate Apple. Not the fruit, which I’ve always loved. And not Gweneth Paltrow’s daughter, whom I’ve never met, even though she lives in North London like me. I hate Steve Jobs’ Apple, the computer company.

Oh yes, their products are sleek and cool. The Ipod is way better than most MP3 players, their Mac computers ARE beautiful, fast and more reliable, and the Iphone has millions of applications including a mini-condenser microphone that would allow me to record voice overs from anywhere…

But Apple is snob… It’s more expensive than any other brand and forces you to re-learn everything again. “Oh, it’s so intuitive, so instinctive!” its adepts say. No it isn’t. There’s nothing intuitive about hiding your icons at the bottom of the screen so that nobody can find them. And the first time I tried to use one of its Macs it took me about 50 minutes to realize that in order to go on the internet I needed to click on Safari…

Apple is Big Brother. A smooth operator that will perfectly run your life, provided you allow them to limit your freedom… If an Apple device breaks, you can only have it fixed at Apple stores. Once you’ve bought an Apple product you can use ONLY Apple applications and programs. Try to use anything else and your computer will crash.

Apple is un-democratic. It’s so expensive only well off people can afford it and its users look down at the rest of the world as if they were members of a very exclusive club sipping brandy in front of a fireplace while the plebs crowd on the pavement in the cold.

Apple is like a drug. Behind its benign fruit and its CEOs dressed in jeans and sweaters, lies a cult. Its adepts are like the nerdy versions of Mormons: a sort of freak church members who gather at the Apple store temple queuing for hours in the snow in order to get hold of the newest arrival, and adoringly look at their little electronic objects as if they were their babies. You won’t have any other gods other than Mac!!

I mean look at this picture of Steve Jobs:

…he might seem like a regular un-shaven, down-dressed, relaxed nerd with a passion for gadgets. But Look closely…. It’s clear to me he’s trying to hypnotize us all by using the little object in his hands….

With Windows you can run whatever software on your computer and it will work. Yes, it will also increase the risk of catching a virus but so does kissing. I know, I know you don’t get the analogy but think: would you accept to kiss only perfectly disinfected people authorized by your local governement? No? Well, so why should you only run perfectly smooth programs authorized by Apple?


No, I haven’t been hired by Microsoft, in case you wonder. and I can guarantee that Windows 7 MOST DEFINETLY wasn’t my idea.


The reason I’ve chosen such an unlikely subject for this post is different: my mobile phone contract has expired.

So for the past three weeks I’ve been struggling trying to solve an impossible dilemma:

SHALL I STICK TO MY PRINCIPLE, SAVE MONEY AND ASK T-MOBILE FOR A NEW NICE PHONE AT MY USUAL LOYALTY RATE? (in the UK, you are actually allowed to blackmail your phone company and bargain for deals. You ring them up and say to the Indian operator from Bangalore: “GIVE ME A DISCOUNT OR I’LL GO WITH VODAFONE!!!!” And they do….)




(how can I say this without feeling like the biggest hypocrite of all times… )


Oh I know, Iphone is Apple! But, guys… a condenser mic and a software to record FROM THE PHONE! It’s almost too good to be truth. Wireless connection…. Emails….I’m almost ready to give up.

I’m so ashamed.

I’m an phoney.

An I-phoney.

I’m a sucker and the truth is I love technology. Years ago I’d vowed never to join Facebook and now I’m on it. Mind you, I’m on it but I fancy myself as one of those very few people who use Facebook without being used by it. I don’t update my status every 5 minutes. I don’t waste my precious time chatting.I don’t do stupid tests because they’re just a way for the “system” to find out about your tastes and preferences and send you unwanted adverts. My privacy settings are set on such a high level of protection even my mum would fail to find me. No freak will ever see my photos, my friends, or find out my location. And I most definitely refuse to play games. I did try Farmville for about a week and I managed to let all my crops die and my animals starve. All those aubergines wasted!! And that poor bony rabbit limping about… It was a horrible spectacle. I’m not a pet lover but I’d never want to kill a rabbit, however virtual. And the thought of my carelessness causing widespread famine would never let me sleep at night…

If I managed with Facebook, I tell myself,  why shouldn’t I manage with an Iphone? Why shouldn’t I be able to buy an object I need and use it sparingly, when necessary, without joining the Apple cult?

It must still be possible to play the system and not being played by it. No?

It must still be possible to treat an object for what it is and not as a close relative…

Am I right?

Or am I being sucked it in by the dark side of the force????


3 thoughts on “I-Phone or I (am a)phoney?

  1. Hey. Io ho un Iphone. E sono l’unica al mondo a non avere nemmeno un’applicazione a parte quelle di default. Nemmeno un piccolo, stupido giochino. I miei figli mi odiano per questo. Mio marito si vergogna di me. I miei amici mi sfottono, ma io resisto. Sono la pecora nera, la vergogna di Steve Jobs. L’Iphone e’ utile per navigare in internet, scrivere email, vagare a caso per NY (tanto con la mappa Iphone ti raccapezzi in un attimo), ma – soprattutto – ESSENDO UN TELEFONO, L’IPHONE E’ OTTIMO PER TELEFONARE E INVIARE SMS. Et voila’. Non sono io la schiava, io sono l’imperatrice dell’Iphone. Lara, compratelo!!

  2. Sei un mito Serena! Imperatrice suprema del mondo delle mele! Sua maesta’ Torsola!!!
    Non ho ancora preso la decisione definitiva ma ci sono quasi…

  3. è vero Lara, tutti quelli che hanno I – phone sembrano adepti di una setta che parlano un codice segereto, pero’ un certo fascino ce l’hanno…. in fondo perchè restarne fuori…

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