Ok, we’ve got the message. It’s snowing. Now can it please stop? Too much of anything isn’t fun, and this snow business has definitely passed its sell by date. School children might enjoy the forced holidays but they are about the only ones not cursing the elements in Great Britain. For everybody else it’s a bloody nightmare.

Yes yes, it’s pretty. For about 20 minutes on Christmas day. The time to take a couple of pics, sing a carol and throw a snowball at your neighbour’s car. After which, snow is nuisance, chaos, infrastructural paralysis and a gigantic pin the behind.

I’d go as far as saying that people who defend the beauty of winter are morons with depressive tendencies. Summer and warm weather are more people-friendly and generate optimism, positive thinking and outdoors activities. Proof is the fact that people who live at warmer latitudes have a more colorful, happy, relaxed approach to life than, let’s say, the Germans, and never bothered anyone with silly ideas about conquering the world. They invented salsa, rhythm and curry. Which are more fun than existentialism and wurstels.

But back to us. Not only it has been snowing in Britain on and off since before Christmas.

Temperatures in the past few days have reached – 22 C in parts of the country. On Thursday Oxford touched – 18 C. – 18 C in Oxford! Oxford, can you imagine? Next thing I know I’m going to find penguins in Hampstead pond and white bears in Highgate Woods. I’ll build an igloo in the back yard and use it for my audio recordings. I’m pretty sure it’s sound proofed. Airports keep closing down as runways are covered in ice. Trains don’t work. Cars break down. And we’re running out not only of grit but of gas. Apparently, unless temperatures go back to normal and people stop using heating 24 hours a day, the country is going to finish off all its gas by the end of January if not sooner.

No gas????

And can I mention the fact that I haven’t managed to do any shopping as it’s too cold to go out, and the SALES are on??? I’m missing 50% discounts in Selfridges!!! And what can one wear in such weather without looking like a mix between Rupert the Bear and the Michelin Man on a bad day? 99% of my wardrobe is useless and this is in itself a huge tragedy.

And I won’t go into details about my sex life being placed on hold thanks to the distance between my flat and my boyfriend’s… This morning we heard snow was expected in the afternoon, so at 3pm I rushed out of Patrick’s flat and jumped on the first train to my side of the city. In fact some flakes did fall for about 5 minutes but that was it, and I spent the rest of the afternoon alone, on Facebook, cursing the snow

Yes, people are so TERRIFIED of being stuck in the snow, they’ve placed their lives on hold. Let’s cancel the meeting, as they say it’ll snow. I’d rather not go to my class, it might snow. Let’s postpone the trip, the train might get caught in the snow. Cinema? No, it finishes late and the tube might not work because of the snow… I haven’t been the supermarket since I came back from Italy and keep eating cheese on toast and what can be found in the local corner store (whose owners are among those very few blessing the snow as they’re making millions).

I’m sure the few Icelandic people living in London are rolling with laughter in front of such behaviors. Snow has managed to disrupt Britain in a way Al Quaida can only dream about. But the rest of us has stopped laughing ages ago.

Now we’re highly pissed off.

It all depends on the Gulf Stream.Remember that? Or, rather, on the lack of it.

The Gulf Stream, as far as I remember, is supposed to blow wind from the South Atlantic towards the British Islands so that the cold winds coming from Scandinavia don’t get in (as clearly showed in the picture abusively stolen from Google images)

I don’t know about you, but I’ve never given much thought to the Gulf Stream up to now. It’s not one of those things you wake up in the morning wondering about. You kind of take for granted it’s there as they’ve been teaching you about it in geography class since you’re eight years old, so you tend to trust it. Well, perhaps we should have paid it more attention since apparently the Gulf Stream has disappeared. So long, farewell, auf wiedersen, Goodbye.

God only knows where it has moved to, the only truth is it’s not there anymore.

So all of a sudden we’re part of Scandinavia.

All of a sudden we’re positively screwed.

Now, I don’t know how they do it in Scandinavia, Iceland, Russia and all those countries where snow hampers the streets for weeks and weeks every winter and temperatures regularly fall under zero. I’ve never wanted to know. In fact I’ve deliberately chosen not to live in a very cold country as I’d commit suicide. I don’t even want to go on holiday there, despite my friends attempt at convincing me to spend July in Iceland. Iceland??? I’ve got my own troubles coping with the British rain, thank you very much.

In fact I think a part of me doesn’t even want to consider the existence of cold countries and prefers to think certain landscapes only exists in the Chronicles of Narnia. What I do know, however, is that Britain can’t cope with such cold. Britain can geographically look like it’s part of Northern Europe but nobody has ever told the Brits about it! So they live, dress and behave as if they were born in Jamaica: crap heating systems, thin coats, sandals in January, no de-icing at airports and train stations… They’re simply unprepared to deal with atmospheric manifestations requiring anything else than a brolly or a straw hat. They’re made that way. They still think they’re living in the colonies or something.

So please, please, somebody bring back the Gulf Stream by the end of January or we’re all f..ked.

Come on, Gulf Stream, I know we’ve neglected you… But we can talk about it. Seek help. Get therapy maybe? You can’t just disappear without a word and leave us to face the embarrassment such a break up will cause in front of the rest of the world. We got it now. You’re important. You’re absolutely vital.

Please come back.

And bring some lovely, harmless rain.


2 thoughts on “MISSING: GULF STREAM

  1. Great post. I smiled and laughed but simpathized with you. I hate snow and I’m not used to it. It usually snows in the mountains all around my village in the centre of Italy but only rarely here. And it’s always like going crazy. Nothing works, nobody goes out apart from children and kids ,ordinary life MUST stand still. A nightmare.

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