I know I know, I haven’t written for ages and I feel very bad…

Now, back to business. So much has happened since the last time I wrote.

Gastritis. Dear my stomach hurts. And I only take one coffee per day, I don’t drink and I hate fried food. How is it possible? Stress? Then the other day I went to a recording studio and discovered 50% of voice over actors have gastritis and acid reflux, due to diaphragm being overused in dodgy ways. Terrible! Somebody should re-fund us, collect money to buy us a new stomach, what are all those cartoon fans doing? Honestly, in the studio last week every other person was suffering from my same problems, we began to compare symptoms and cures and there was Gaviscon passed around like a spliff… SAD!!!

Somebody threw a replica of the Duomo at our Prime Minister, aoch! No, I’m not involved, I swear, why is it that the moment they mentioned the Duomo all my English friends started checking my whereabouts on the day of the aggression??? Actually, In Britain the event made people giggle – Italians using souvernirs as weapons of mass distruction – while in Italy it was treated in an incredible serious way, “this climate of hatred generates terrorism”, “everyone must condemn violence”, bla bla bla. Apparently it’s all a conspiracy led by La Repubblica… Now, I know I shouldn’t joke about such serious stuff but… Some sense of humour sometimes does help. Of course violence is terrible, and Berlusca might have lost an eye, and I’m sorry for anyone loosing eyes and other parts of the body, but the comical side of the event is undeniable. Everything in Italy has turned into a joke, including terrorist attacks! Even though, thinking about it, we could launch a fashion. I propose that everywhere in the world terrorists should forget about guns and bombs and start attacking using local souvernirs. The Statue of Liberty, the Taj Mahal, the Tour Eiffel… If it works Tartaglia should be awared a Nobel for peace. No? Ok, ok, I’ll shut up

Global Warming, recently all posh Brits have decided they’re going to save the world. Or, better, they’ve decided they’re going to tell us, poor mortals, how to save the world by giving up the few things that make our lifestyle more similiar to theirs while they sit in Richmond – the richest borough in London – producing as much carbon emissions as 3 jumbo jets, thanks to their SUVs, air conditioning systems, and swimming pools. This week world leaders got together in Copenhagen looking for a deal to save Earth from self destruction.

I side up with Africa.

Why? Because it’s always the rich telling the rest of the humanity how to live more “ethically” so they can go on living unethically. I know this is superficial and populist and I should be ashamed, but shut up, I’ve never owned a car in my life and I do my best to recycle, even though when you live in 35 sq mt on a first floor you can’t keep 5 different bins in the house or the bed will have to be moved to the main road. I can’t stand “goody goody” toffs telling me it’s a scandal to travel by plane, even for work, when one could do conference calls (lip sync dubbing in conference call? How does that work?). For certain families on a low income cheap airlines have opened a world of possibility, for the first time even working class people can travel outside their country, but they say this is bad, fares will have to go up to discourage people from flying. Who’s going to be discouraged though? I personally can’t afford buying organic food, and I can’t grow my own veggies on the Archway road. Am I a bad person?  Haringey council provides only one tiny box to recycle paper,plastic and metal, all together. And I’m not REALLY sure that there’s somebody at the end of the week who’s going to go through them and separate the metal from the plastic…  The box fills up in two days, after which one is forced to throw everything in the garbage bin.

I’m not saying global warming isn’t a serious risk but I do think the “big” people should start by giving the example.

Christmas! Where does time fly? It was only yesterday that I was complaining about the lack of summer weather at summer times, and now it’s already the middle of December… Yes… Christmas… That special time of the year when the Brits get drunk at office parties and end up making sexual advances to their boss, with the result of not having a job in January… I suspect, with the recession, parties are used to find excuses to make people redundant.  But let’s talk for a second about Christmas cards. December comes and all of a sudden Britain is back in 1910 – no phones, no emails, no cheap flights to visit relatives – cards being the only way to wish somebody a happy Christmas…. I mean, it’s nice, it’s romantic, it’s traditional… But it’s also daft as hell. First of all for most people it’s not a pleasure at all, it’s a duty, a job, they have 347 cards to send to every single person they’d ever said “hello” to, and they need to take a week off work to do that. Then they need to go to the post office and lick 347 stamps on them… Then the post offices are on strike and they panic that their cards are not going to arrive and aunt Guendolen is going to be really offended. Every year it’s a total meyhem but still, every year, the British don’t give up. CARDS NEED TO BE SENT! Therefore, to beat the system, they start writing them earlier and earlier – I’ve heard of people sending their cards in August, just to be on the safe side. Italians are much more practical, they used to just give people a call for Christmas,  but now they don’t even need to do that. They write one SMS and send it to everyone in their address book, including the hospital, the taxi firm and their PIN number (that of course they store as a phone number in their mobile).

Snow. Yesterday it snowed in Britain. Is this news? I mean, I’d like to go to Sweden national TV, and have a newsreader announcing, as a BREAKING NEWS, that “yesterday five inches of now fell on the country”. He would be taken to the hospital with suspect brain damage, which kind of news is it? “Yesterday the sun raised.” Is it news? No, it has been doing so for the past 5 million years. But 5 inches of snow falling in DECEMBER in Britain dominate the BBC news for half an  hour. Why? Because of course the whole country has ground to a halt, literally, airports closed, road blocked, schools shut… I look out of the window, the snow isn’t even enough to properly cover the pavement. HOw is this possible? We’re talking 10 cm of snow, maximum!!! This is a joke. And we’re in Northern Europe, it’s not like we’re in the middle of the Caribbean Sea and it suddenly starts snowing. The best thing was that I made a bet with myself and won. What did I bet? That despite the freezing cold temperatures I would see at least one person with no socks or tights on. I thought I’d have to look around very hard. But no. The moment I arrived at Archway station, there she was: a woman in high heels and BARE LEGS and FEET. Her skin was purple. Now I understand why a bit of snow can stop the whole of Britain. British people don’t have a clue. They’re random. How did they manage to build an empire ages ago, God knows. They can’t plan anything, not even which shoes to buy for winter. They don’t plan medical tests unless they’re collapsing, they don’t plan holidays until the weather is so shit they want to commit suicide, they don’t plan their meals so they end up having lunch at four in the afternoon, hungry enough to eat a bear and his aunt… This is mad. The government should provide every citizen with a Blackberry and force them to use it. Set up alarms. It’s winter: DRIIIIINNNNN, buy warm shoes! It’s one o clock in the afternoon: DRIIINNNN, have lunch!  Like with children. THey can’t be left to their own devices, that’s for sure.

And this brings me to the end of this post.

Should I not hear from you, have a very happy Christmas!


One thought on “UPDATES!

  1. I’m so glad to hear from you again. Thanks for your intelligent humor and for being so good at criticizing Italians as well as English people. You made me laugh out loud, Lara!
    BTW, do you know what happens in Italy when, in winter, we have 10cm of snow? Of course you know.
    “The whole country grounds to a halt, literally, airports closed, road blocked, schools shut…” 🙂
    Merry Christmas!

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