La la la la… I’m a believer… la la la la

As a tribute to the concept of “PAR CONDICIO”, after posting about Italian politics, I’m now going to dedicate a few lines to the politics of my “adoptive” country: 

…Enter floppy haired, jolly smiled, Eton accented, big jawed…

David Cameron!

Don’t fall asleep please!! I know British politics is about as exciting as watching a game of Polo on TV, but I could have said Gordon Brown after all. That would have been enough to send you into narcolepsy!

The truth is I wish I could say something really really exciting and good about old Gordie, because I think he’s a nice enough chap, just without charisma, poor thing. Not everyone was born to lead crowds and Brown’s talent has always been for acting in the wings. They all loved him when he was backstage drawing the budget.

I know Labour has disappointed people hugely, especially by turning Britain into George Bush’s best friend and creating a generation of ASBOs roaming the streets, but I’m truly scared at the idea of the Tories winning the next election.   My proposal is: Couldn’t voters give the Lib Dem a chance? They’re always around but never get to do anything, it’s not fair. It’s like when you’re little and the older kids let you play with them but never allow you to be captain or decide the name of the starship. It’s not fun, is it?

I’ve lived my last 12 years in Labour Britain. When I first arrived, Tony Blair was being hailed a hero at the sound of “Things can only get better”…    Now it looks like things have been getting worse for quite a while and nobody knows how to save the country from what it looks like an inevitable, fatal disgrace: the return of the Conservative. Help! My Left wing blood is shaking at the mere thought (yes, Silvio, I have, and always will be, a dirty Communist! ROAR!!!!) 

But back to David Cameron and his speech at the Tory conference two days ago.

First of all, what was BONO, yes I mean U2 BONO, Sunday bloody Sunday-we can be as one tonight-let’s save the world-do they know it’s Christmas-peace be with you Bono, doing introducing the leader of the CONSERVATIVE party???

If this isn’t enough proof the world is going banana I don’t know what is. Next Bruce Springsteen will be serenading Sarah Palin and Bob Geldof will write the new Iranian anthem…

Bono! Hey, mate, are you freaking mad? You’re Irish, you’re supposed to hate British conservative nationalism and support Europe. You’re working class. You’re against global warming. More importantly, one of your videos also opened the Labour conference a week ago! You can’t be on BOTH sides, it’s forbidden.    Just shut up and don’t appear in ANY video if you really can’t make up your mind.

 Second, Samantha Cameron was dressed in a M&S £65 frock and £29 Zara shoes.

Right, great.

M&S, I’ll have to explain to the non-British, doesn’t mean Maso-Sadic (even though that would have been far more entertaining, Sam Cam dressed in leather and carrying a whip).    Mark and Spencer’s is the most famous supermarket in the UK, the equivalent of the American Penny’s and the Italian Upim. It’s also the producer of the single most annoying advert in the history of TV, where a sexy female voice says, as if she’s offering a blow job:

“this isn’t just salad, this is freshly cut, uberrichly washed, amazingly packaged, supercalifragilistikespiralidosly presented M&S SALAD!” (subtext: and therefore we can charge 2 pound fifty for it, and you idiots are going to buy it!!!)

Anyway, Sam Cam in supermarket dress, “Oh, wow,” everyone was supposed to say (in the imagination of the overpaid image consultant who came up with such a brilliant idea) “she’s really middle England, she’s one of us, not like posh bitch Sarah Brown who appeared at the Labour conference wearing designer clothes and Jimmiy Choo shoes!”

Now, putting aside my strong faith in the value of perfectly designed high heels and my firm belief that whoever opts for a crap M&S dress while being able to afford Armani is an idiot, the reality is that Sarah Brown looked smashing in her clothes while Sam Cam looked like a pillowcase from Ikea.   I personally feel insulted and patronised by a woman who pretends to dress “normally” while owning hundreds of designer frocks and Prada shoes.

Who is she trying to fool? Sam Cam is rich, like.. really really rich. If she had wanted Valentino to provide her with a dress for the conference she could have had it in no time at all. A few months ago she was at the Galmour’s awards in a pink VIVENNE WESTWOOD dress. Vivienne Westwood! Pink! And now all of a sudden she’s in gray M&S? Oh please…

 She’s probably never set foot in M&S in her life. Her assistant bought the dress online after finding out that last summer the polka-dot frock was the “hit” item among over 40s British middle class females, basically the dress every other woman in the country keeps in her wardrobe. The message was, look! I dress like you! I totally lack in style, exactly like the majority of over 40s in this country!   Hyppee!!!

Because the bare truth about the polka dot number and the Zara shoes is not that they’re cheap, which is fine. They’re actually dreadful.


1) The solid fact about dots is that they make you look either under 12 or over 65 years old. Basically only children and grandmothers can get away with them. Anyone in between should just avoid them.

2) Gray. Unless worn with bright red, orange or similar, gray makes you just blend into the background. Now, if Sam Cam had really wanted to blend into background, she would have worn one of her many nicely tailored designer suits. Nobody would have batted an eye. The M&S choice was clearly a statement. She didn’t want to blend in. So she could have at least gone for a more flattering colour.

3) Zara shoes. Zara shoes! Nobody buys shoes from Zara! Zara is bad enough for clothes, shoes are only placed in the stores for window displays! Zara shoes are uncomfortable, badly put together, and chunky. Probably Tesco’s has better shoes than Zara…

What Sam Cam was trying to do with her ridiculous look was backing her husband message: see, we’re Middle England. Simple! Approachable! The Labour is the REALLY posh party! We’re like you! We care about poor people! We want all state schools to be as good as private schools (how? he didn’t explain). We want families to be the focal point in our society (how? he didn’t explain). We want to fix broken communities and fight antisocial behaviour so that we can all walk down the street at night feeling safe (how? he didn’t explain. Is he providing drivers to chauffeur us around?)

Cameron basically did some copy and paste from “famous speech manual”, mixing popular songs with Obama and Martin Luther King (“I see a country…” David kept repeating, just like King repeated “I have a dream…). He made a list of the most obvious things every normal person would wish for – better schools, better hospitals, stronger families, less unemployment – portraying the image of an ideal Britain where everybody’ll all love each other, go to a well run school, bump into well behaved kids who help old people crossing the street and find a fantastic doctor ready to care for us the moment we feel unwell…

Wow. Who could argue with that? The question is: how??? Cameron was full of rhetoric but no clear, practical solution was contained in his speech. He ranted against the presence of the State in society, against Labour turning the government into a cumbersome nanny who’s been trying in vain to fix problems communities and citizens should be let free to fix themselves…

But what does all this really MEAN? What is it that less well off people will have to give up in order to create this dream world?

Cameron pretending to be just a normal lad who cares about normal people is as fake as his wife pretending to be a housewife shopping for clothes in M&S. It’s a show. A façade. What’s really hidden underneath we won’t find out for another year, when they will be in power and start show their true colour.

Let’s not forget the Tories are so against Europe they refused to be part of the Popular Party – the European Centre/Right – preferring an alliance with right wing characters such as the crazy Polish twins and Alessandra Mussolini. They think the way to make public schools better is to “sell” them to companies who will run it for profit. But a school isn’t a business. It’s not just about profit, it’s about content. It’s about education.

Education, education, education, shouted Blair when he was still a real Labour (or at least sounded like one). Now apparently the word is profit, profit, profit.


Cameron left the stage while loudspeakers played “I’m a believer”. When I first read this I started laughing because this 1966 song in its Italian version, sung by Caterina Caselli, a woman in a blond bob that vaguely resembled a young Camilla Parker Bowles, was called “Sono bugiardo” which means… guess??? I AM A LIER!!!!!!!!!!!


2 thoughts on “La la la la… I’m a believer… la la la la

  1. AHAHH! I remember one of Cameron’s first appearences at a radio show, he was trying to sound like an old hippy and a young punk altoghether. He really amazed me, I was nearly laughing my head out. Sadly, the Labour didn’t do much to make people vote them and I think that in England like in Italy, the left wing is agonizing if not dead. But honestly, being Italian, I really doubt Cameron can be “THAT” bad, if you see what I mean…

  2. I completely agree. And I love, love, love the dissection of Sam Cam’s wardrobe! How bloody patronizing. And yet another attempt to (hypocritically) sell mediocrity as a national virtue.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s