Ode to my London neighbours

My neighbours love smelly old carpets

they want them on communal stairs.

they’re damp and covered in mud.

Who cares, they like them like that.

I said “Tiles?” but they think I’m mad

Tiles are noisy, expensive and sad!

So what if they’re used

in the rest of the world

Nowhere is as good as Britain…

Britain uber alles

*

My neighbours upstairs have a dog

and their flat smells like a bog.

They walk him at quarter past five

making noise and leaving on lights,

lights I pay for as they’re on my floor

I complained but they slammed the door.

Good thing is they’re scared of my boyfriend

he’s black and they think he’s a gangster.

My boyfriend lives far far away

but he comes round every other day.

*

My neighbours downstairs are so British

they only talk through emails

they’re silent, discreet and they never

say one thing unpleasant e-ven

when big dog upstairs leaves a turd

on their doormat,

as big as a bird.

We’re British, we don’t get upset

we never take sides, you bet

It’s rude to express an opinion!

*

The owner of the upstairs flat

is rich and he lives in Yorkshire

He don’t give a damn if his tenants

are rude, racist and weird.

When they flooded my flat

with their washing machine

he ignored me

because he is mean

His dream is to own the whole place.

but I think he’s a big waste of space.

*

You’d think my house is a nightmare

lucky thing is that I have shop

just opposite run by some Indians

the nicest bunch on the block

There’s a lady who’s always depressed

She sits at the counter all day

perhaps she was forced into marriage

perhaps doesn’t know what to say

and a lady who’s so very chatty

she even forgets to eat patties.

*

There’s Tommaso who lives round the corner

and is from Milan, like me.

Together with drive down to Sainsbury

to buy our food once a week.

There’s Patrick who lives in the basement

and plays the guitar do-re-mi

He just had a baby with Sonya

they speak to me, can you believe?

So not all the British are bad

but the worst live upstairs from me.

~ by Lara on October 21, 2009.